It Never Happened in Middle Earth
by ReferenceGoddess
Summary: Middle Earth hosts a number of improbable guests. The more improbable, the better, say I! Mostly K plus, but I rated it T just to be safe.
1. Gotta Slay 'em All

Usual disclaimers: Not mine, in the copyright/trademark sense of the word. All beings belong to their respective creators or heirs thereof. No money being made, honest.

Gotta' Slay 'em All

The small creature glared up at his tormenters. Already his human companions had collapsed under the unrelenting psychic attack. This was no ordinary battle, the creature knew that this was a fight to the death. He gathered his strength, and threw his most powerful attack at the leader of the evil beings surrounding him.

From a distance, Glorfindal and a squad of hastily summoned elves and Dunedain looked on in amazement. They watched as the small creature, unknown to any of them, seemed to draw the very lighting of the sky from its own body and strike down the Dark Lord's most valuable servant. The robes collapsed, and a dark, unsubstantial shadow rose into the sky, where a strong wind from the West scattered into nothingness. The others specters fled.

"Indeed it was spoken that no man would slay the Witch King," Ellran shook his head. "The ways of Illuvater are truly mysterious."

The small animal that had just wiped the evil that was the leader of the Nazgul from the face of Middle Earth became aware of the audience. One paw motioned towards the bodies of the children as if to say, "Well, don't just stand there. Help them."

For emphasis it looked Glorfindel directly in the eye and said, "Pika! Pika-chu!"

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x Pokemon

What can I say? When I have insomnia, strange things happen.


	2. Semper Paratus

Usual disclaimers: All characters belong to their creators. I promise I'm not making a farthing off of this.

Semper Paratus

Jayne Cobb was having a very bad day.

It had started, as so many of his misadventures had since joining the crew of Serenity, with a salvage job.

They had found an abandoned wreck floating in the dark night between planets. As they went through the hulk, looking for valuables, Jayne had gone through a metal arch, and found himself on a vast rolling plain. He had turned around immediately, but the arch, and the spaceship, was gone. All he saw in the other direction were more plains, and snow-covered mountains in the distance.

Given their usual luck, Jayne had chosen to arm himself heavily before boarding the ship. Therefore he was ready when a squad of wargs and sword-waving orcs came over the rise. As he mowed down the Reaver-like creatures, he thought, "Like they said on Earth-that-was, never bring a knife to a gun fight."

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crossover with Firefly

Someday, I might even attempt a full-length story based on this insane idea. I told you insomnia did odd things to my brain, didn't I?


	3. Too, too Tragic Hobbit

Usual disclaimers: Middle Earth is not mine (sob). None of the characters are mine, in any meaningful, legal sense of the word. This was written for the amusement of the fans, and no money changed hands.

Too, too tragic Hobbit

Many years after the Great War of the Ring, and peace was widespread in the early years of the Fourth Age of Middle-Earth, Faramir Took, Hobbit and son of Peregrin Took, took after his father's wandering ways and decided to travel in the East, lands long deemed too dangerous for travel.

He had his share of adventures, but nothing that a stout young Hobbit who had taken swordplay lessons from the King's own guard in Minas Tirith couldn't handle. So he had at last came to a valley full of pools. For some reason, there were tall poles stuck in the pools. It was very strange he thought, but no stranger than a hundred other things he had seen on his long trek. It seemed to be a peaceful place, a good place to stop for the evening. He dropped his backpack and approached the nearest pool cautiously, remembering full well the stories his father, Merry Brandybuck and Sam Gamgee had told about their escape from the creature at the entrance to the Mines of Moria. The water was clear, nothing was hiding in the depths.

At this point his luck failed him - the ground around the pool was wet and slippery, and his foot landed wrong as he took his next step. He over balanced, and fell into the pond. Unlike most Hobbits, he actually knew how to swim, but he found struggling out of the water difficult. It was as is his body couldn't understand the commands his brain was giving it. One hand finally made contact with the shore, and he started to pull himself out. He opened his eyes, and almost fell back in the pond. Where his hand should have been was a great, scaly claw. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Stay calm, you must have bumped your head," he thought to himself. He opened his eyes slowly, but the offending scaly claw was still there. He was aware that he seemed to be bigger, much bigger. He lumbered out of the pond, turned around, and looked into the pond.

The face of a dragon looked back at him. It wasn't quite like the drawings of Smaug he had seen in old Mr. Bilbo's book. This dragon had long, elegant whiskers, and from what he could see, the body was longer and thinner than that of the terror of the Lonely Mountain.

At first, he barely noticed the man trying to get his attention. Finally, the man's words sunk in. As far as he could understand (for the local language was difficult and unlike any spoken in the West), he had fallen into the cursed spring of the drowned dragon. Too, too tragic story. But not to worry - hot water would return him to his normal form.

Faramir Took sighed. To think the other Hobbits had thought the Baggins strange and eccentric - wait till they got a look at him.

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X with Ranma ½ by the great Rumiko Takahashi (all bow)


	4. House Call

Usual disclaimer: Fictional universes belong to their respective creators and/or heirs and estates, not to me. There is no justice in this world. No money was made, no copyright/trademark infringements intended - just a bit of fun.

4) House Call

Aragon contemplated the man sleeping in the Halls of Healing. The man had not lied when he said he could help. He had worked on solider after soldier in the Halls until he himself dropped from exhaustion. Many men of the West lived because of this man. Even soldiers with the (up to then) invariably fatal stomach wounds had lived, instead of dying with high fevers and screaming pain that no herb could alleviate. Amazing indeed, but in accord with the way he had come to them.

The stranger had appeared in the aftermath of the battle of Pelannor Fields. As the exhausted men of Gondor and Rohan searched for survivors, there was a whine like insects in a field and a sparkle like summer sun on a lake - and a man dressed in dark trousers and a bright blue tunic, surrounded by silvery boxes, just appeared. Instantly the soldiers raised swords, spears, and bow and arrow and pointed them at the figure. For his part, the man looked stunned. Seeing all the weapons pointed at him, he slowly held his empty hands away from his body. "I take it that this isn't Starfleet Hospital 3?" He looked around, and muttered, "God damn transporter."

* * *

Star Trek : The Original Series

Dr. McCoy was always a favorite character of mine.


	5. I Knew I Shouda Turned Left

Usual Disclaimers. The characters belong to their original creators or corporations. No infringement is intended; not a farthing was collected.

I Knew I Shoulda Turned Left

All he had wanted was directions; was that too much to ask?

But the nine horsemen in black had ridden down the innocent traveler without a thought. The iron-shod hooves had driven him into the path without even slowing down. He might as well have been a bug. He should have been dead. Almost anyone else would have been dead.

The traveler was not anyone else. Several seconds after he had been pounded into the ground, he arose. He shook himself, and then dusted off the last of the dirt on his fur with one hand. He narrowed his eyes as he gazed down the road the horsemen had taken. He took out a carrot and munched on it meditatively.

"You realize, of course, dat dis means war," he said.

Some time later, the soldiers of the Pelennor fields were astounded when a large anvil fell out of the sky and destroyed the leader of the Nazgul.

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The Nazgul meet Bugs Bunny. They never had a chance.

I did mention how it was with insomnia and me, didn't I? If I don't get a good night's sleep soon, I can't be responsible for what may come hopping out of my brain next.


	6. Legal Action

Usual disclaimers. Not mine, just borrowing the characters, and showing the upmost respect for their creators. This is a non-profit operation.

Legal Action

He scanned the scene in front of him. There was no point wondering how he had gotten here from the high-energy physics lab on HD 98618 II; as a famous writer once said, it was a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. There was no time for that now. He believed that he must soon make a decision, and it was literally imperative that it be the right decision.

First, there were the two figures on the creature that was, if his memory did not fail him (and it never did) was a primitive form of transportation called a horse. He was not entirely convinced that the taller figure riding the animal was human, but the small figure, possibly a child, certainly was. They were being chased by four figures in black, also riding horses. He spent several seconds (an eon, in his usual time) analyzing the data, but was not able to come to a conclusive decision concerning the humanity of the dark riders.

Suddenly, five more of the black horsemen burst out of concealment in the brush near the river. The maybe-human jumped off the horse, and urged it and its human passenger onward towards the river. The white horse surged forward, barely escaping its pursuers.

The horse reached the river below his hiding place, and splashed across the shallow waters. The horse turned towards the farther bank. The child waved a short sword at its pursuers and shouted defiance. One of the black riders raised its hand, and the short sword in the child's hand shattered. The riders started to cross the ford.

The watcher raised his energy tool (meant for advanced mining and manufacturing applications) and fired at the apparent leader of the pursuit. A short blast would not kill, but should sting enough to balk the pursuers.

As chance would have it (if chance you call it), the beam hit the leader on his hand. To be specific, the hand that bore one of the Nine Rings. It let out an awful howl. The other riders paused in confusion. Their leader screeched once more, and then its robes collapsed, sliding off the horse and into the shallow river. A great dark cloud rose into the sky. It hovered for a moment, and then was dispersed by a wind from the West. Before the other black riders could move, a flash flood came roaring down the river, washing them away.

Benjamin R. Oleev's positronic brain hummed happily, all doubts vanquished. The first law had been followed; A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

------

The robot stories of Isaac Asimov. And I thought Jayne Cobb in Middle Earth was an odd idea. How many ways to kill a Nazgul, let me count the ways...


	7. Destoyer of Prophecies

Standard Disclaimers - characters and universes belong to their creators and designated heirs/agents/whatevers. No money was made.

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7) Destroyer of Prophecies

The Fellowship of the Ring stared at the young man in astonishment. He stood there, axe in hand, with the black robes that were all that was left of the Witch King of Angmar pooled at his feet. Sam found his voice first.

"Here, Mr. Strider. I thought you said the Elves said that no man could kill him."

"So said Glorfindal, and he has the gift of foresight," said Aragorn slowly.

"This may the first time he has been in error on such a grave matter," said Gandalf. He looked at the young man intently. Tall, fair, shaggy dark hair and a patch worn over one eye. Definitely human.

"What the hell was that thing?" exclaimed the young man. "And please tell me there are no more of them, because, wow! Just hitting him with my axe made me dizzy."

"That, brave warrior, was the king of the Nazgul. There are eight more Nazgul," started Gimli.

"Oh, great. And I bet they have a target painted on my back," groused the stranger. He looked at them earnestly. "Just how much trouble am I in?"

"The captain of the Nazguls was also the chief servant of the Dark Lord of Morder," said Legolas.

"Dark Lord? Jeez, his name wouldn't happen to be Voldemort, would it?"

"Nay, but we will not speak his name while we are here in the Wilds," said Gandalf.

"Oh yeah, a He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named - never of the good." The young man looked more annoyed than terrified.

Before they could question him further, a glowing yellow circle appeared in the air. It expanded, and a young woman, tall and comely, stepped through it as if it were a door.

"Astonishing," was all Gandalf could say.

"Xander! We found you! Willow is so sorry."

The young man waved the hand that wasn't holding the axe. "My bad, Dawn. I should know better than to walk into Willow's lab without knocking first. Can we get out of here? I just killed the local Big Bad's top hench-creature, and I want to be gone when he finds out."

"Sure thing, Xander. Willow is anchoring the portal on our side. Just step through, and, tah-dah! One frustrated Big Bad with no one to maim, torture and kill."

The young man turned to the Fellowship. "It's been fun, but let's not do this again, 'kay?"

"Wait!" yelled Boromir as Xander and Dawn turned to leave. "The prophecy was quite clear - by no man's hand will he fall. How is this possible?"

The young man shrugged. "Prophecies - really overrated."

The two strangers stepped through the glowing circle. Just before it winked out of existence, they heard the young woman say, "Messing with prophecies again? You need to get another hobby."

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Xover with Buffy the Vampire Slayer

At first, I was going to have Buffy, Faith, or one of the mini-slayers cut down the Nazgul with the Slayer's Scythe. But then I read the fanfic "Of the Line" by ghostwhowalks on the Twisting the Hellmouth Site. In that story, Xander is referred to as "The Destroyer of Prophecies" (as well as "That #*)$_%&! Harris"! by the Powers-That-Be-Useless. So, of course, I had to mess about with one of the most famous prophecies in fantasy literature.

And I know the Nazgul didn't attack the Fellowship on the trip between Rivendell and Moria, but hey, mix Xander in a story and chaos happens - rule of the universe.


	8. Chuck vs the Nazgul

Usual disclaimers. Middle Earth belongs to the estate of the great J.R.R. Tolkien. Chuck belongs to NBC, Josh Schwartz, Chris Fedak, and various entities that are not me. No money was exchanged.

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Chuck vs. the Nazgul

Casey hated being afraid.

This wasn't good fear; the fear that kept you sharp, the fear that kept you alive. This was the heart-stopping, gut-wrenching fear that made soldiers throw down their weapons and flee from the field in a blind panic. The dark shape that arisen from the floor of the Buy More housewares department towered over the cowering staff of the store. Somehow, Casey's discipline held through the fear. His hand was reaching for his concealed weapon when someone grabbed his arm.

"Bartowski," he growled, his irritation with the young nerd and national security asset/risk driving some of the fear back.

"No, you don't understand! No man can kill it!" Chuck's pale face was sincere.

"Did you flash on this?" ground out Casey.

"No, but I know what it is!" Chuck turned around, trying to account for everyone in the area. "Sarah, no!" he screamed at the beautiful CIA agent who was approaching the figure, her right hand reaching for the knives she kept in a sheath on her back. "Its touch is death! There's no one living who knows the cure!" She stopped, doubtful, but trusting the young man.

The dark figure turned to Chuck. It started speaking in a rough voice, in a language of unsurpassed ugliness. The people in the store cringed from the sound, and Jeff fainted dead away. It drew a sword and pointed it at Chuck. Casey and Sarah tensed, ready to spring at this danger to the Intersect, no matter the cost to themselves.

Chuck's eyes flicked around the sale floor. "Anna!" he shouted. "Anna! Grab that coffeepot and smash it near its feet!"

Anna Wu grabbed the glass container and threw it with force and accuracy at the apparition. It smashed into a hundred pieces, the water pooling at the creature's feet.

"Sarah!" She turned to Chuck, startled. "Take that toaster, and throw it." He saw her hand reaching for the cord. "No, keep it plugged in!" He turned to his fellow employees. "Run!"

Everyone obeyed Chuck. Understanding his plan in a flash, Sarah threw the small appliance at the puddle even as the Buy More staff ran from the area. Sparks flew, and the strange dark figure was surrounded by electricity, blue arcs flowing around its body. It gave one high-pitched scream. The sword dropped to the floor. A moment later the black robes fluttered to earth, soaking up the water on the floor. Chuck, face white and hand shaking, unplugged the ruined toaster. "Brave little toaster," he muttered under his breath.

Morgan was the next to find his voice. "But lo! The mantle and hauberk were empty." he declaimed in a theatrical voice. The rest of the Nerd Herd joined in, reciting in solemn tones, "Shapeless they lay now on the ground, torn and tumbled; and a cry went up into the shuddering air, and faded to a shill wailing, passing with the wind, a voice bodiless and thin that died, and was swallowed up and never heard agins in that age of the world."

Sarah siddled up to Casey. "How do you plan to report this?"

"I don't know. I'm thinking there's a psyche discharge in my future."

----

For those who have not seen "Chuck", the basic premise is as follows. Chuck Bartowski has had the United State's most vital secret data (aka The Intersect) downloaded into his brain. Sarah (CIA) and Casey (NSA) are his handlers/bodyguards, and they have weekly adventures saving the country from terrorists and criminals. It is totally ridiculous; the premise is insane, but the characters are wonderful, and I love it.

I imagine the General sitting in her office in D.C., staring agape at the security feed from the Buy More, hand hovering over the "Intersect Alert Panic button" on her desk. (I've never seen anything like that on the show, but it wouldn't surprise me for a second)

Why did the Nazgul fix on Chuck? 'Cause he was showing some leadership, 'cause he was making the most noise, or perhaps he is a descendent of the royal house of Gondor? Take your pick. And why did the Witch King, after uncounted years, arise in the middle of an American big box store? "Why not?" and "'Cause I said so," says the author.


	9. Manifestly Illegal

Usual disclaimers: Neither the characters nor Minis Tirith belongs to me.

Chapter 9 - Manifestly Illegal

The Guards of the Citadel and the strangers looked warily at each other. There had been a blue flash of light in the depths of the Halls of the Dead. The strangers had come around the corner and seen Denethor order his men to put Faramir on the pyre. At first the strangers had looked solemn, and their leader, a tall, silver-haired man, took off his hat. Then the one who looked like a woman of the Rohirrm, save for her short hair, had yelled, "He's still alive, sir, but very ill. He needs medical attention."

The change in the chamber was as sudden as summer lightning. Their leader's face took on a look of righteous outrage.

"You're going to burn a man alive? Are you nuts?"

Denethor looked at the strangers with disdain. "You do not understand. He is burning with the fever already. I would sooner see my son..."

Denethor did not have an opportunity to finish his sentence.

"Your son? Your own son?" shouted the man, his voice echoing painfully loud in the stone chamber. "Carter, Daniel, get that man off that pyre now!"

Denethor had objected. There was a very brief fight. The man with spectacles and the woman drew strange weapons that hissed and shot lightning bolts. Denethor and three members of the Citadel Guard collapsed. The others hung back, dismayed. How could they fight these weapons of dark wizardry?

The tall man's eyes swept the group, and he pointed his weapon at Lathavir.

"You, explain this," the man demanded.

Lathavir gulped. Why him? He finally managed to find his tongue.

"The Lord Faramir is dying of the Black Breath. There is no hope for him," he said.

"But throwing a man on a fire while he's still alive? Are you all as crazy as your leader?" the man's outrage had managed to increase.

"He is our sworn lord, and we must obey him, even if we question the wisdom of his decisions," Lathavir said, aware even as he said the word that his explanation was lacking.

The leader of the strangers rolled his eyes. "And if he ordered you to attack a village and kill all the women and children, would you do that?" he challenged.

"Of, of course not, my lord" stammered Lathavir. "That would be unthinkable."

"Because?" the man demanded, obviously expecting a response.

"Because it would not be a lawful command, my lord," came the slow response.

"Yes, he finally gets it!" Colonel Jack O'Neill of Stargate Command shook his head.

###########

OK, more serious than most of the scenes in this series. I couldn't help myself - it was a natural. If there is one thing that happened in LOTR that would make O'Neill lose it completely, it would have been this scene.


	10. Absolutely Not

Absolutely Not - a Harry Potter xover

Standard disclaimer: characters/universes not mine, not making any money off this.

For the folks who requested a Harry Potter xover, it's finally here.

-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-

It was on days like these that Minerva McGonagall, newly-minted Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, missed Severus Snape. The man had been unpleasant, true, but no one in the wizarding world had made better headache potions.

The pain had started this morning, as the three-way battle between the magical engineers, construction wizards and charms masters reached new heights (or lows) of finger pointing and yelling. They had finished the reconstruction of the Great Hall, the symbolic heart of Hogwarts. It was safe, but the enchantments on the hall's ceiling had gone, as some muggleborns said, "wonky". It showed the sky; but not just the skies over Hogwarts. So far, it had shown London, Paris, New York City, Sydney Harbor, the Grand Canyon, the Great Wall of China, and once, to Professor Sinistra's great delight, a view of Saturn from the surface of Titan.

But that was a minor matter compared to what she was dealing with now. Trust good-hearted Hagrid to cause more trouble than a squad of Death Eaters. Minerva McGonagall could feel the headache blooming behind her eyes. Hagrid had asked her, and his favorite students, to come down to his hut and see his newest creature. She could see the looks of disbelief on the faces of Harry, Hermione and Ron as they gaped at the incredibly hideous creature currently inhabiting the paddock behind Hagrid's hut.

"He followed me home, Professor, excuse me, 'ead Mistress. Can I keep him?" asked Hagrid will the eagerness of a five-year-old child.

Minerva was at a loss. After several attempts, she managed to force out, "But what is it?"

Hagrid scratched his head. "Well, I don't rightly know. But maybe Hermione could do some research, now the library has been put to rights?" He gave Hermione a pleading look.

"It looks like a horrible cross between, between" Ron faltered as he tried to think of candidates for the creature's parents.

"A wolf and a wart hog?" suggested Hermione.

Ah yes, Minerva thought. You could always count on Miss Granger to have the answer to a question.

"Ah, but 'e's hurt," objected Hagrid, "and no one looks their best after you take arrows outta them. And 'e had armour on 'im; it was a tangled mess it was."

Hermione, the always curious, interrupted. "Armour? Cound we see it, please?"

Hagrid's face lit up. Give Hagrid a job he knew he could do, and he was happy, thought Minerva.

"Sure I can get that fer yeh. Be right back," he said and headed for the small shed by the paddock.

"When did this thing show up?" asked Harry.

"Last night, according to Hagrid's message. He said he found a wounded creature in the Forbidden Forest during his rounds," said McGonagall. They were interrupted by Hagrid's return.

"'ere it is," he said as he handed some pieces of armour to Hermione.

She turned over one bit, and froze. "I think I know this sign," she whispered.

The others looked at it blankly. A messy white handprint stood out from the black armour.

"I've never seen a coat of arms like that, Miss Granger," said McGonagall.

"It's Isengard, I think," said an obviously shaken Hermione.

"So it's German or Swedish?" asked Ron.

"No, a bit further than that." Everyone looked at her in confusion.

"Isengard is a place mentioned in The Lord of the Rings by Tolkien. It was the stronghold of a wizard who became evil."

"But The Lord of the Rings is just a novel," said Harry.

"Yes, but, but," Hermione was getting excited, and started pacing back and forth. "The battle brought down the wards around the castle, and enormous amounts of magic were being thrown about. What if all that energy weakened the walls between dimensions? Or started making fictional creatures take shape? The implications..." she trailed off, awed and terrified by the possibilities.

"So you know what it is, Miss Granger?" asked Minerva.

"I think so," said Hermione. "If I'm right, that's a warg, a creature that fought on the side of evil in the books."

"So it would not be a good creature to keep at a school full of children, would I be correct?" Finally, McGonagall thought, some useful information.

"It would rank right below dragons and acromantulas," answered Hermione. "As a matter of fact, if this is the result of holes in dimensional barriers, we had better find out how to close them up, quick. We could have an army of orcs show up next, or," and here she gulped, "a Nazgul or even Sauron."

"Who's Sauron?" asked Ron.

"A dark wizard who makes Voldemort (Minerva flinched; she couldn't help herself) look like a small child throwing a tantrum," answered Hermione. Everyone was silent as they absorbed that cheerful bit of information. McGonagall shook herself.

"Well, then, here's what we'll do. I'll call every available witch and wizard to search the Forbidden Forest for this...what did you call it?" she turned to Hermione.

"A dimensional rift is probably the best term," she answered. Hmm, wondered McGonagall, why was Harry giving a little fake cough and saying 'Torchwood'? Best not to get sidetracked; she'd ask him later.

'Yes, this rift, return our guest to his proper place, and close the rift before something even more unfortunate finds its way through."

"Ah, but 'eadmistress, couldn't he stay?" begged Hagrid.

"I'm sorry, Hagrid, but it is quite impossible."

Hagrid's face fell. "But I thought e'd make a good friend for Fang."

Fang, Hagrid's cowardly boar hound, was currently trying to burrow his way into Potter's robes. "Fang does not seem interested in furthering the acquintance, Hagrid," said Minerva.

"But," McGonagall interrupted him.

"Absolutely not," said Minerva firmly. She turned back to the castle to put the plan into motion.

-e-e-e-e-e-

_And so it came to pass that of all the wargs and orcs that marched out of Isengard to make war on the people of Rohan, only Snapping Fangs of the fifth warg patrol survived to see the dawning of the Fourth Age._

-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-

Although I am usually a book purist, for the sake of this story I went with a cross between the movie version of wargs and the book's really big wolves.

I apologize to any British readers for any blatent Americanisms - if anyone thinks, "Oh a Brit wouldn't say that; they's say this." let me know.


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